I suffer with heavy bouts of depression, but frequently I go from being regulary depressed (if that makes sense) to being hit by a truck full of major depression depressed. which happens to me out of no where and for no apparent reason. but this is how it happens and feels.
I tend to be depressed most of the time to be honest even when I have wired episodes where I’m quite manic I’m still fed up and don’t feel happy. I suppose its because I just don’t like living.
How miserable do I sound? But that’s the way it is for me. Today It’s the heavy bouts of depression though I wanted to talk about because I’ve just come out of my most recent episode that lasted three days and I always find myself obsessing over what causes me to get in to these states. I can be mid way through a pretty average day and then out the blue begin to start feeling distant and numb to my surroundings and ill notice myself staring through the television for hours at a time.
As the day passes the feeling of disassociation will consume me, things that would usually provoke memories or emotions like photographs of family members or little memento’s seem meaningless. The few people and things I usually care about become nothing its like no one else exists when I get like this. it sounds selfish I know but I have no interest in anyone or anything. then once ive become as distant as I can be that’s when I start to drown in despair and self pity. My whole world will truly collapse.
Ill obsess about how pathetic my life is, ill stress myself out endlessly over events from the past, even silly things ill be traumatised by things like what people must think of me because I tripped over in the street the other day. Just stupid things and ill panic relentlessly about things the future may bring all the problems that just might happen next week. I’ll get so bothered by these scenarios that suicide becomes the prominent feature in my mind and its scary, the idea becomes an obsession I cant escape. All the time I’m hiding away in my bedroom either sobbing like a distressed baby or shaking with rage and punching my walls until my hands cant take no more.
I wont wash or get dressed ill spend the whole sorry episode in the same outfit I had on when the episode began. I wont eat anything for days I can literally starve myself for three or four days straight. Its strange I can be so hungary but for some bizarre reason I just wont eat any food its like im trying to punish myself or something and I don’t know why I do it. I wont speak to anyone either I’ll avoid interacting with people completely if I can. Every aspect of my existence becomes worthless to me I just cant see the point in anything I truly lose all hope.
Eventually though just as randomly as it all began the episode will subside. Ill start to calm down my thoughts will become a little more controlled and ill get a spark of enthusiasm back. I will open the curtains and let some light into my room ill realise I clearly must smell and ill go and get a shower and get some fresh clothes on. Then I’ll have something to eat and do some house work. Embrace the short moment of relative stability and make the most of a positive couple of days until the next worst days of my life happen.
This has been a regular occurrence in the cycle of my life for so long now but it still never fails to cripple me whenever I feel like this. To be honest its only getting harder as I am currently abstinent from illegal drugs and personally I find there is little relief from prescribed medication. But I don’t want to be a drug addict again which is what bothers me the most because I don’t know how many more episodes I can take.